You Can Only Ride My Rocket If You're Under 25 And No One's Watching...

I`ve never liked Adam Giambrone. Ever since he, aged 12 (or something ridiculous like that), was appointed head of the TTC, he`s proved even less capable than Italians, twelve year olds, and TTC chairpersons usually are. But today, I`m not angry with him. I don`t care really. I`m grateful that he won`t end up mayor of Toronto (the centre of the universe, for those of you who aren`t aware). What bothers me today is the way that his recent scandal has been portrayed in the media.

I opened the Toronto Star - that veritable bastion of English style and insightful opinion - And found the lead article began: `In making the decision of a lifetime, Adam Giambrone lived through a long, dark night of the Soul`. Really? A long, dark night of the soul? La noche oscura del alma? So what you are trying to tell me is that Mr. Giambrone's decision to withdraw from the mayoral race after it became known that he's been fuckin' more people than he's supposed to be is quite like, no, exactly like, St. John of the Cross' mystico-spiritual disembodied soul-journey to union with God. I couldn't have put it better myself...if I was a moron.

Since I am not a moron, let's see if I can't find a better (maybe even less arbitrary) literary allusion that would actually be relevant here:

'Mr. Giamboner, that magnanimous descendant of Remus, city councillor, TTC chair and great hope of some many experts who believed he's be mayor, told them it was over'.

The reference, of course is to Catullus 58; the magnanimous descendant or Remus is a Roman, whose cock is 'being milked' by the poem's subject, a woman being derided for her whorish ways. This is fitting because of a) Giambrone's Italian heritage b) it was his illicit sexual adventures that got him into the mess c) because everyone loves Catullus d) all of the above.

Furthermore, my mind is absolutely boggled by the fact that one would expect anything different from a) an Italian and b) a guy who isn't even married to the woman he's supposed to be banging. Firstly, Italians, from time immemorial, have been unable to keep it in their pants - watch HBO or read Tacitus if you don't believe me! Secondly, I will concede that my diction here is 'not with the times', but why would a man living in sin, refrain from further sin? Just throwing it out there...