De Barbarum Conundro

Since it is likely that my appearance will give the reader cause to suspect me of partiality in this matter, I will begin by offering the best defense for being clean shaven that I can.

The best argument against the whiskers is probably that which stems from natural rights; it is a classically liberal defense and runs, more or less, as follows: whiskers have the right to do what they please; they may choose to abide where they wish, they may practice what faith they will, they may engage in free enterprise if it suits them, &c. Of course, all this, provided that they do not infringe upon the rights of anyone else. The problem of course, is that when they choose to take up residence on a man's face, they violate the rights of that man in one very significant way viz. the right to bear children. Though it speaks to the irrational tastes of women that such a sign of virility is so thoroughly shunned, the fact remains that once whiskers begin to bivouac upon a man`s cheeks, his every attempt to procreate will be foiled. Thus, since an encamped army of whiskers upon a man`s face prevent him from sowing his seed, he has every right to attack with any arma (I can`t imagine any tela being effective) at hand. Of course, though the severity with which whiskers are commonly treated may be lamentable, retrograde, barbaric, or what you will, it seems that men are perfectly justified in dealing thusly with them.

Now, why then, should any man conceed large tracts of his face to such an (alleged) enemy? Because the complex ecosystem of a man's face can be much benefited by the presence of such creatures. Just as trees, as we all know, produce invaluable oxygen for our planet, so do whiskers produce esteemable virtus for our comportment. Especially given the inherantly feminine nature of intellectual and cultural activity (recall, it was Šamhat who first initiated Enkidu into human culture), it behooves men, particularly those who fancy themselves the slightest bit intelligent, to counteract this femininity with an equal or more potent dose of manliness. Men, reclaim your humanity, and engage with human civilization on your terms! Let not the sheath of a woman's body be the gateway through which you must crawl to touch and contemplate beauty! (Oh dear, how very Neoplatonic of me...)